Despite the prevalence of domestic violence in this country (in this world) there are some misconceptions about it which I will try to point out, using my own thoughts, experiences and opinions as well as quotations from: Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes (1998).
Domestic battery, usually (not always) committed by men against women, is assumed to be about physical abuse, anger issues, and violence. I believe that it is about control first, and can be present and just as pernicious even without pervasive physical violence.
"A significant proportion of batterers required to attend counseling because of a criminal conviction have been violent only one to five times in the history of their relationship, even by the victim's account. Nonetheless, the victims in these cases report that the violence has had serious effects on them and on their children, and that the accompanying pattern of controlling and disrespectful behaviors are serving to deny the rights of family members and are causing trauma."
Physical violence is such an insult to the psyche that even one occurrence can leave a lasting trauma. The implication is clear and no batterer has to say it, although many do: If I can hit you once, I can hit you again. It is also the atmosphere in these families that oppresses all except the abuser. I have spoken to victims of both physical and sexual assault who say that, as bad as the actual assault was, the surrounding day-to-day pattern of the family life was worse.
"The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making. He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality."
Often abusers are able to maintain a beautiful facade for the outside world. Professionals who come into contact with him do not see a monster, they see a person who is bright, charming, and cares about his family. Some professionals go so far as to wonder whether this man is being scapegoated. Colleagues often sing his praises, he is seen to be a generous neighbor, a respected member of the community, a gentle even humble person. He has a gift of self-deprecating humor and, when in public, almost always treats his family with respect and kindness. He is very good at taking care of himself and his image this way.
"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized."
Attempts on the part of victims to reason/argue with the abuser are generally met with denial. Victims try all sorts of ways to confront their abusers in an effort to save the relationship. They use all the techniques they learned from their own counselors: "I" statements, gentle confrontations, letter-writing and so forth. The fatal flaw is that there is no relationship to be saved. There is the abuser and his needs, and those who he believes must fulfill them. He will do whatever he has to in order to maintain top dog position. He is the victim, he is misunderstood, he has been taken out of context. But it is never, ever his fault.
There is also the "I don't remember" strategy, which is followed by a verbal apology with insincere overtones and no effort to help the victim in her healing. "I've already apologized", "She's blowing it out of proportion", "I was hurt too by this whole thing."
Drinking does not cause domestic violence although many batterers drink. Some beat their victims when sober. Mental illness plays a part in some domestic violence, but many feel that generally the phenomenon of beating and controlling a victim is a choice, a decision, a deliberate act.
Women are at greatest risk (as are their children) when they are in the act of leaving. While some cite the abuser's fear of abandonment, others point to the batterer's rage at his loss of control. The original article was written to give officers of the court and other professionals insight into the dynamic of domestic violence. It can be read in its entirety here.
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